no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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