Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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