Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
