Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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