I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
