I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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