just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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