I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
