Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
