I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
