i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..