i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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