My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
