I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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