so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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