It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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