You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
