Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
