Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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