she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
