Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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