last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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