i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
