Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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