I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
