I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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