i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
