so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
