I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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