He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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