Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
