I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
