shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
