so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
