Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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