I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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