Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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