so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
