I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
