you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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