If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize