Where did you get a picture of my penis
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
