Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
