great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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