Yo dont text me then not text me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
