am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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