He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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