Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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