She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
