my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I looked at my own cervix.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
dude. I can hear the air.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
