So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
