I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
