Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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