if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
