I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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