Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
