Fine. I'll sleep in my office
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
