I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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