we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
